Why is this upsetting me now? Why can't I handle it? Why won't it stop? I thought that it was supposed to get better with time, but instead it feels as though it only gets worse and worse.
Why wasn't I, am I never, will I ever be good enough? Why won't the pain caused by others leave me?
How am I EVER going to be okay? Time does nothing. Space does nothing. Hope....kills me.
I am destroyed. Only a shell of who I used to be. I wish I could say that I was numb, but instead I only feel pain. Unending, debilitating, searing pain.
I would give absolutely anything to make it stop.
Stop.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Thursday, February 16, 2012
You Didn't Say You're Sorry...
Sometimes things happen to us in life. Bad things, good things, unavoidable things. I have often wondered if there's anything that can happen that would have the ability to truly and undeniably change us, forever. It seems like we should be able to control how and to what extent things affect us, but I really don't think that's real anymore.
I've been thinking a lot about a lot of things. I've been struggling a lot with missing my dad and the fact that he's gone. Forever. Selfishly, no doubt it's partly because so much has been happening that I really need him right now. He was my confidant, my best friend and the one person that I knew I could say anything to and he would always love me, never judge me, and never bullshit me. And he needed me too. I was the only one who never gave up on him. I miss him when good things happen and I miss him when bad things happen. It seems ridiculous after all this time but it really hasn't gotten much easier for me. Maybe that's somehow my own fault. Sometimes seeing or hearing about death makes it feel fresh all over again. I guess I'm a very empathetic person. I feel for other people more than I should. I consider it a fault rather than an asset.
The other part of things is, with so much shit that happens to us in our lives, I don't understand why people act the way that they do. I don't understand meanness, or rudeness, or intentionally hurting someone. The keyword there is "intentional." See, everyone makes mistakes. Lots of them probably. But I don't buy into that all the time. The biggest question that I find myself asking is, "Why did they do this to me?" I'm not being all "woe is me" about anything, as I said, shit happens to us all. But to intentionally do something knowing (and/or in spite of the fact) that you will hurt someone, really fucking sucks. How do you rid yourself of the feeling of complete worthlessness when it's caused by someone whose opinion meant the most to you? It only makes matters worse if you don't even acknowledge or apologize for the things you do, or even give a fuck that you hurt someone, and I think that's what really defines you as a person. To say that we will make it through life without hurting someone else would be an unreasonable expectation. How we handle the situations that do occur say more about who we are, in my opinion. If you do something wrong you can deny it or run from it, or you can be honest with yourself and take responsibility for the things you've done. At the very least you can do that for someone you have wronged, maybe make it even the smallest bit easier for them to move on from the pain you have caused them. If you care. And frankly, I can't understand not caring if you've hurt someone. To not care that you've treated them as though they are worth nothing, disposable, crazy or stupid. Especially someone you claimed to care about. Or maybe that's just the answer right there. Maybe they never cared to begin with. People are great actors. The reason that this question continues to plague me is that I know I am a good person, a kind person, a real person. And I haven't done anything wrong. Regardless of situations, reasons, feelings, circumstances, whatever; I did nothing to deserve to be treated the way I have been treated. Yet people, people I loved, chose to intentionally, deliberately and directly hurt me. And it has broken me, more than anyone will ever know. Completely and fully. At this point, I'm truly not sure I can ever recover. Maybe there are certain types of broken hearts that simply cannot heal.
It may not be right and maybe I should be able to handle it better, and I'm trying. But no one realizes the depth of what has been done. Very least the people who have contributed to it (not that they care anyway). Many people think that they know my story. The truth is that even if you knew the extent of things (which no one does), NO ONE knows the pain I have felt, continue to feel - may always feel. No one knows how hard I have struggled and how hard every day is for me. No one knows the betrayal, or the abuse. No one knows the thoughts in my head and pain in my heart one afternoon before downing a bottle of pills. Those of you who choose to judge me and talk about me and say things that aren't even true should remember that you do not know anything, you simply (and wrongly) assume things, and perhaps your time would be better spent focusing on your own lives instead of mine. Your distorted versions of me are not who I am. And it speaks to who you are to base your judgment and opinions of me on what you hear or assume, rather than what you know from me directly. That doesn't just go for me, you should consider that about anyone. It's called acting like an adult and not a bratty teenage girl.
I don't expect people to get it. I don't expect anything from anyone and I don't want anyone's pity. All I really want is for this to go away. I want to forget it and stop hurting so much all the fucking time. I don't know how to heal from the things that have happened. Time seems to make it worse because it's further reminder how little I mean and how easy I am to walk away from. My vision of some things currently may be clouded by my pain - but actions speak volumes, and false words mean nothing.
The only thing I've ever asked for was to be treated the way I treat people. Sometimes people just want to know that you love and care about them. I don't feel that's an unreasonable expectation from a friend. It seems, however, that I was wrong.
I think that maybe part of what I need to heal and get past this is the answer to that question. Why? Seems simple enough. But maybe there is no answer - even if those people were willing to give one. That means what I must do is forget. And of all things..... That's proven to be the hardest thing of all.
I've been thinking a lot about a lot of things. I've been struggling a lot with missing my dad and the fact that he's gone. Forever. Selfishly, no doubt it's partly because so much has been happening that I really need him right now. He was my confidant, my best friend and the one person that I knew I could say anything to and he would always love me, never judge me, and never bullshit me. And he needed me too. I was the only one who never gave up on him. I miss him when good things happen and I miss him when bad things happen. It seems ridiculous after all this time but it really hasn't gotten much easier for me. Maybe that's somehow my own fault. Sometimes seeing or hearing about death makes it feel fresh all over again. I guess I'm a very empathetic person. I feel for other people more than I should. I consider it a fault rather than an asset.
The other part of things is, with so much shit that happens to us in our lives, I don't understand why people act the way that they do. I don't understand meanness, or rudeness, or intentionally hurting someone. The keyword there is "intentional." See, everyone makes mistakes. Lots of them probably. But I don't buy into that all the time. The biggest question that I find myself asking is, "Why did they do this to me?" I'm not being all "woe is me" about anything, as I said, shit happens to us all. But to intentionally do something knowing (and/or in spite of the fact) that you will hurt someone, really fucking sucks. How do you rid yourself of the feeling of complete worthlessness when it's caused by someone whose opinion meant the most to you? It only makes matters worse if you don't even acknowledge or apologize for the things you do, or even give a fuck that you hurt someone, and I think that's what really defines you as a person. To say that we will make it through life without hurting someone else would be an unreasonable expectation. How we handle the situations that do occur say more about who we are, in my opinion. If you do something wrong you can deny it or run from it, or you can be honest with yourself and take responsibility for the things you've done. At the very least you can do that for someone you have wronged, maybe make it even the smallest bit easier for them to move on from the pain you have caused them. If you care. And frankly, I can't understand not caring if you've hurt someone. To not care that you've treated them as though they are worth nothing, disposable, crazy or stupid. Especially someone you claimed to care about. Or maybe that's just the answer right there. Maybe they never cared to begin with. People are great actors. The reason that this question continues to plague me is that I know I am a good person, a kind person, a real person. And I haven't done anything wrong. Regardless of situations, reasons, feelings, circumstances, whatever; I did nothing to deserve to be treated the way I have been treated. Yet people, people I loved, chose to intentionally, deliberately and directly hurt me. And it has broken me, more than anyone will ever know. Completely and fully. At this point, I'm truly not sure I can ever recover. Maybe there are certain types of broken hearts that simply cannot heal.
It may not be right and maybe I should be able to handle it better, and I'm trying. But no one realizes the depth of what has been done. Very least the people who have contributed to it (not that they care anyway). Many people think that they know my story. The truth is that even if you knew the extent of things (which no one does), NO ONE knows the pain I have felt, continue to feel - may always feel. No one knows how hard I have struggled and how hard every day is for me. No one knows the betrayal, or the abuse. No one knows the thoughts in my head and pain in my heart one afternoon before downing a bottle of pills. Those of you who choose to judge me and talk about me and say things that aren't even true should remember that you do not know anything, you simply (and wrongly) assume things, and perhaps your time would be better spent focusing on your own lives instead of mine. Your distorted versions of me are not who I am. And it speaks to who you are to base your judgment and opinions of me on what you hear or assume, rather than what you know from me directly. That doesn't just go for me, you should consider that about anyone. It's called acting like an adult and not a bratty teenage girl.
I don't expect people to get it. I don't expect anything from anyone and I don't want anyone's pity. All I really want is for this to go away. I want to forget it and stop hurting so much all the fucking time. I don't know how to heal from the things that have happened. Time seems to make it worse because it's further reminder how little I mean and how easy I am to walk away from. My vision of some things currently may be clouded by my pain - but actions speak volumes, and false words mean nothing.
The only thing I've ever asked for was to be treated the way I treat people. Sometimes people just want to know that you love and care about them. I don't feel that's an unreasonable expectation from a friend. It seems, however, that I was wrong.
I think that maybe part of what I need to heal and get past this is the answer to that question. Why? Seems simple enough. But maybe there is no answer - even if those people were willing to give one. That means what I must do is forget. And of all things..... That's proven to be the hardest thing of all.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
is it over yet?
broken.
destroyed.
ruined.
lost.
unloved.
desolation.
isolation.
forgotten...
i wish i was dead.
destroyed.
ruined.
lost.
unloved.
desolation.
isolation.
forgotten...
i wish i was dead.
Monday, January 9, 2012
That Would Show You, That Would Make You Hurt Like Me...
I can't keep expecting people to be decent. I can't keep expecting people to be considerate of others. I thought I could expect these things from people who are friends, but I am proven wrong over and over. And I'm tired of it. I'm sick of the entire fucking human race at this point, and every stupid day of this stupid fucking life. If no matter how hard you try, you can never make anything any better and you can never succeed in what you want most, then I ask you,
What in the FUCK is the point?
So disappointed. So, so disappointed. So hurt. One day I am quite sure it will actually kill me. At least then there will be peace.
What in the FUCK is the point?
So disappointed. So, so disappointed. So hurt. One day I am quite sure it will actually kill me. At least then there will be peace.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
And Then No Need To Endure Anymore, Time Dies...
I sit and listen to a man talk and laugh with co-workers. A man who lost his beloved wife suddenly two weeks ago. And here I sit, wishing I didn't have to live anymore. And I feel worse because not only do I no longer value life, but I am so depressed and so sad that I can barely stand it. Yet this man who has just suffered this great loss is okay, he's making it, he's getting through the day. And I want to give up and die. I've not recently experienced a loss such as his, but I cannot figure out how to overcome things. How to face losing everything and everyone. How to find happiness again.
And I'm jealous. Jealous of his ability, jealous of people who are happy, even my own friends, who have and can do things that I can't figure out. Who know how to overcome. Who are stronger than I am.
I don't want pity. I don't want anything from anyone.
I just want it all to stop.
I am a horrible human being.
And I'm jealous. Jealous of his ability, jealous of people who are happy, even my own friends, who have and can do things that I can't figure out. Who know how to overcome. Who are stronger than I am.
I don't want pity. I don't want anything from anyone.
I just want it all to stop.
I am a horrible human being.
Monday, December 26, 2011
I'm Doing Everything I Can, I'm Getting Back From Where I've Been...
It's been a while since I've really blogged... I guess I feel like I'm always writing the same thing over and over again. Of course, it's your choice whether you read my repetitiveness or not, so I guess what matters more is that I say what I want/need to say and not worry about what other people think (which I fully acknowledge that I do too much, anyway). Anyway...
There's a lot of really shitty things going on in my life right now. Has been for the last year or so. It's been really hard, really discouraging, and really fucking exhausting. A lot of things are out of my hands and I'm working to try to accept and deal with them as I can, but it's something I'm definitely struggling with. I'm sick of bad things in my life and I'm sick of seeing bad things happen to other people who don't deserve it. I know that's a part of life, but that isn't a good enough excuse for me anymore. I'm sick of the cliches about how life is hard, and shit happens, and everything is part of a greater plan, and blah blah blah... That in itself is something I'm really having a hard time with.
With all that being said, I've decided to use the excuse of a new year to try and make the changes that are within my power and try to improve the parts of my life that I'm able to. I've acknowledged that things are only going to get worse before they get better. That blows, but it's the truth and I always try to be blatantly honest with myself... Sugarcoating anything only makes it worse in the long run. There are so many things that happen to us and around us that we can't control. We can't make people stop lying and stealing and cheating; we can't control other people at all. We can't love someone we don't. We can't change the economy and we can't change how things work and operate. It sucks. It sucks a lot. But it doesn't change anything.
So again, I'm going to try to change some things that I want to that are within my power. Some important, some not-so-much. But they all matter in some small way and they all go toward trying to make my life healthier, happier and overall more positive -
Which brings me to my first "resolution" - be more positive. In general. It's easy to focus on everything bad that's happening. It's more difficult to focus on the positive. But it isn't impossible. Bad things happen and we can dwell on them and let them bring us down, or we can accept that they've happened and if we can't change them, move on. It's easy to lose track of or ignore the good things in our lives because of negative things, but we don't have to let that happen. It's much easier said than done, but again, it's not impossible.
Secondly, I will be healthier. I want to lose my last 10-15 lbs. Starting tomorrow, I will stop eating fast food and try to eat better in general. I will work out at least three times a week. As many of you know I have been dealing with a fairly large amount of health issues that are not within my control; however, I'm having a minor surgery on January 5th that I hope will help many of those. I believe that being physically healthier will help my state of mind and allow me to be more relaxed, less stressed and overall happier.
Thirdly, I will put more effort into my everyday life. I'll put more effort into myself and my appearance. I will engage people I know and make an effort to meet new people. I will get out of my house and do things that I enjoy... If I can't think of any, I'll find some. I'll keep the people in my life who make me happy......... and rid myself of the ones who do not. No matter how hard it is, or how much it hurts. I will be sure the people I love know that I love them. I will be the friend that I should have been for the last year. I will remember who I am and what I'm worth... I will stop letting other people and their opinions affect the things I do or say. I will live for me, love my dogs and figure out where my life is going to go, and make it happen. The time for change is now and no one can do it but me.
I know this sounds all... I don't know the word. But it's sincere and I guess I'm just putting it out into the universe. I've struggled with change for a very long time, and sometimes I feel extremely weak and often hopeless. I think that's just something that I have to overcome. There will always be obstacles and fears and hurt... It's just about learning to keep going and rising above it all. I'm not there yet, but I'm gonna figure it out. I can't go through another year like this one, in fact I REFUSE to. So I'm starting now.
I want to thank all of the people in my life for sticking with me and for loving and supporting me despite my behavior, my faults and some of my choices. My intentions are always good but sometimes the outcome isn't what we intend. Thank you for seeing me through the bullshit and all of my struggles. I truly wouldn't be here at all if not for your love.
I wish everyone nothing but the best for the new year and beyond. You are in my heart and my thoughts. <3
All my love,
Lo
There's a lot of really shitty things going on in my life right now. Has been for the last year or so. It's been really hard, really discouraging, and really fucking exhausting. A lot of things are out of my hands and I'm working to try to accept and deal with them as I can, but it's something I'm definitely struggling with. I'm sick of bad things in my life and I'm sick of seeing bad things happen to other people who don't deserve it. I know that's a part of life, but that isn't a good enough excuse for me anymore. I'm sick of the cliches about how life is hard, and shit happens, and everything is part of a greater plan, and blah blah blah... That in itself is something I'm really having a hard time with.
With all that being said, I've decided to use the excuse of a new year to try and make the changes that are within my power and try to improve the parts of my life that I'm able to. I've acknowledged that things are only going to get worse before they get better. That blows, but it's the truth and I always try to be blatantly honest with myself... Sugarcoating anything only makes it worse in the long run. There are so many things that happen to us and around us that we can't control. We can't make people stop lying and stealing and cheating; we can't control other people at all. We can't love someone we don't. We can't change the economy and we can't change how things work and operate. It sucks. It sucks a lot. But it doesn't change anything.
So again, I'm going to try to change some things that I want to that are within my power. Some important, some not-so-much. But they all matter in some small way and they all go toward trying to make my life healthier, happier and overall more positive -
Which brings me to my first "resolution" - be more positive. In general. It's easy to focus on everything bad that's happening. It's more difficult to focus on the positive. But it isn't impossible. Bad things happen and we can dwell on them and let them bring us down, or we can accept that they've happened and if we can't change them, move on. It's easy to lose track of or ignore the good things in our lives because of negative things, but we don't have to let that happen. It's much easier said than done, but again, it's not impossible.
Secondly, I will be healthier. I want to lose my last 10-15 lbs. Starting tomorrow, I will stop eating fast food and try to eat better in general. I will work out at least three times a week. As many of you know I have been dealing with a fairly large amount of health issues that are not within my control; however, I'm having a minor surgery on January 5th that I hope will help many of those. I believe that being physically healthier will help my state of mind and allow me to be more relaxed, less stressed and overall happier.
Thirdly, I will put more effort into my everyday life. I'll put more effort into myself and my appearance. I will engage people I know and make an effort to meet new people. I will get out of my house and do things that I enjoy... If I can't think of any, I'll find some. I'll keep the people in my life who make me happy......... and rid myself of the ones who do not. No matter how hard it is, or how much it hurts. I will be sure the people I love know that I love them. I will be the friend that I should have been for the last year. I will remember who I am and what I'm worth... I will stop letting other people and their opinions affect the things I do or say. I will live for me, love my dogs and figure out where my life is going to go, and make it happen. The time for change is now and no one can do it but me.
I know this sounds all... I don't know the word. But it's sincere and I guess I'm just putting it out into the universe. I've struggled with change for a very long time, and sometimes I feel extremely weak and often hopeless. I think that's just something that I have to overcome. There will always be obstacles and fears and hurt... It's just about learning to keep going and rising above it all. I'm not there yet, but I'm gonna figure it out. I can't go through another year like this one, in fact I REFUSE to. So I'm starting now.
I want to thank all of the people in my life for sticking with me and for loving and supporting me despite my behavior, my faults and some of my choices. My intentions are always good but sometimes the outcome isn't what we intend. Thank you for seeing me through the bullshit and all of my struggles. I truly wouldn't be here at all if not for your love.
I wish everyone nothing but the best for the new year and beyond. You are in my heart and my thoughts. <3
All my love,
Lo
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