I'll Wait A Million Days To See You Smile...

There are some people in our lives that we will never be good enough for. No matter how hard we try, no matter what we do, no matter how far out of our way we go - it'll never be enough for them. Yet even knowing that some people are like this, we still try to please them or impress them or make them proud of us. And we're let down when it doesn't work. Why? Knowing it's impossible to have their full approval or confidence should allow us to not try so hard and just be confident and happy within ourselves, no matter what they say (or don't say). Maybe that's why I have such issue with it, because of the insecurity and confidence problems that I have...I'm not sure. I just know that no matter how many times I tell myself it is what it is, and that it doesn't matter what I do, I somehow still get my hopes up that maybe something will be different. Maybe it'll actually be all good, non-judgmental comments. Maybe, for just ONCE, it'll be "I'm proud of you." End of sentence. Maybe for once I'LL be good enough. I guess I set myself up to fail. After all, it's just how they are, and you can't expect people to change (especially when they've been like that their whole life). And besides that, the only person we should have to worry about being "good enough" for is ourself. I guess I am just not there yet.

My confidence is shot to shit. I let it get to me again, even though I said I wouldn't. And I've knocked myself down on top of it. I'm trying to pick myself back up. I'm trying really, really hard. It's just snowballing. Aaaaaaaaaaaaas usual. I've gotta get outta my fucking head. Like for serious. Can somebody teach me how to do that? Please?

I have multiple things to look forward to in the next couple of months...I should be excited. Well, I AM excited. Incredibly, ecstatically, blissfully excited. But I want that to be the most prominent emotion in my life right now. I want to ONLY look forward to these happy things, and seeing the people I love, and feeling...the way these people make me feel when I'm with them. I feel so empty right now. I'm so tired of goodbyes. I hate missing people. I know that having such amazing people in my life is the reason I miss them as much as I do, and I am beyond thankful for that. But it's really hard. Really, really hard. Distance really fucking blows. Like hardcore. Fuck.

I just don't feel like I've got any strength left anymore.
I'm tired.
Exhausted, really.